this is a work in progress, but:

what do i want out of a relationship?

  1. i want to grow with you.
    1. i want to know that absorbing your traits will make me better; i want to feel as though, if i became more like you, i would be so, so unbelievably happy and content with the result, and i wouldn’t undo it for the world.
    2. i want our relationship to be safe and supportive, so that we both feel comfortable being beginners in front of each other.
  2. i want us to communicate clearly, calmly, and kindly with each other.
    1. if i make a mistake, i want you to gently correct me so that i can do better next time – but i want you to be emotionally supportive and warm while doing this, because i always want to feel as though you are still on my side.
    2. i want to be able to tell you if i’m feeling down without worrying that you’ll make me feel worse.
  3. i want us both to feel secure.
    1. i want you to be a solid foundation that i can come home to, and to know that you’ll be there for me even if – especially if – i mess something up.
  4. i want responsiveness – i want to have the kind of loving relationship where i can send you a random picture of a cat or out of context quotes in the middle of the day, and you’ll send me the latest funny thing you read on twitter, or just ‘seeing x made me think of you.’
    1. i want to know, deep down, that you care.

red lines

  1. i will not date someone who is mean to me, ever.
    1. oh, goodness me. if past sophie knew that in the Year of Our Lord 2026, her future self would find it necessary to write the above, she would be indescribably appalled! ‘something must have gone horribly wrong,’ she’d think. (well, ‘go horribly wrong’ something did, indeed.)
    2. this includes: saying hurtful things, speaking to me with contempt, telling me my feelings are irrational, pretending to care about my concerns and then breaking promises related to them, telling me i’m not as good as your other female friends, or being sarcastic and telling me i’m incompetent while i’m crying.
      1. damn.
  2. i will not date someone who is judgmental and unkind to others.
    1. how you treat other people is nearly the whole of your character, and it tells me about how you relate to the world. i am not interested in being the exception to what would otherwise be cruelty or patronization – i do not want to be one of the handful of people who ‘meet your bar.’
  3. i will not date someone who does not stand up for me.
    1. this includes: not doing anything when you can tell i’m clearly uncomfortable / being excluded in some social situation, or not doing anything when someone who lives with you is making it impossible for either of us to sleep and i’m worried i might be dying.

these red lines are an extremely low bar. but somehow i didn’t hold myself to even this bar earlier this year, and i need to make sure that my future self knows what is not acceptable – to be very, very aware of the patterns and behaviors that i will no longer allow myself to tolerate.

the three things at the top are what i’m actually looking for.